What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas

Vegas generally takes on a different meaning when you’re 38 than when you’re 22. And it certainly has a different vibe when you’re 38 going there with your wife as opposed to 22, and looking for trouble with your buddies (at least whatever your naive, deformed, perverted form of trouble is).

But my wife kicks ass. We both kick a lot of ass. And because of all that ass kicking that’s going on we just returned from one hell of a trip to Vegas. Jam packed into that 48 hours was: hangin’ with Sinbad, good expensive food, shopping, people watching, walks all over Vegas, drinking, drag-queen waitresses named Elizabeth, gambling, stealing roughly $20-25 worth of food from a hotel gym, some Louie V, seeing my wife messed up, more good food, more gambling, witnessing a flight attendant yelling at a chick in the bathroom, and lots of other inappropriate fun.

About the only thing missing from the weekend was for one of us to turn to the other one, and say “let’s head over to the Hard Rock and get you tatted up today!”

Except — one of us definitely did say that, and the other one of us said, “why the fuck not?”

I didn’t know it at the time, but this tattoo idea was actually born 18 years ago. I was a “dumas” 20 year old trying to figure out how to contribute to society, when I saw a film that changed my life permanently.

I became a better human being after seeing that movie. And the scene above would become a piece of me, burned into my soul for the rest of my life. I’m not sure how many people can claim a life altering event of that magnitude after seeing a movie (other than maybe something a tad less spiritual like impregnating your girlfriend while a movie happens to be playing in the background…leading to an eternal joke that makes her want to choke you with your own tongue every time she hears “hey babe, remember when I knocked you up that night while Tango & Cash was on? Remember?”)

So, recognizing over the years that I was forever changed after seeing that film, becoming a man who saw the hopefulness in things, and believing I had the ability to do things that I probably really didn’t — I decided to pay my permanent respects to that scene, and that message. So, the topper on the somewhat crazy Vegas weekend was deciding to go get tatted up, and doing so well under the legal limit (at the time). And there was no way this story would stay in Vegas.

hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things

Do I look fat?

Uh oh. I’m rubbing my eyes over and over but she’s still right there. How the hell can I get out of this. I’m wondering what a kidney stone feel like, cause I’m convinced I’m passing one right now through the baby-maker.  If not, how do I fake it — do I scream like I’m in horrific pain or just double over and act deaf & paralyzed? Hell, it’s not like she would know the difference anyway. Better yet, I bet there’s an app that will let me stare at my phone and make it ring. Seriously, how is nobody calling me right now? That mother rings 47 times a day, but suddenly all is right in the world right now? I pretend I didn’t hear her, but she’s only 18 God damn inches away now and staring at me with that mixed “please make me feel better” and “I want to smash your face in with a car battery right now” look. Well, I’m sure today is going to be super delightful.

The problem is there are zero good answers you can give to the “do I look fat?” question. Only degrees of less devastating answers. Good chance that each word that comes out of your mouth is equal to 1 week of no sex. Even though you say something sweet and honest like, “no way babe!” — all your wife can think in her head is “CHEATER! I’M GOING TO CUT YOUR BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO THE DOG. HAHAHAHA” But you know what, given the circumstances you did okay with that response. It’s only a 3 week death sentence. Now, if you were to actually say something indifferent like “umm no, I guess not”, well enjoy the hand party you just signed up for idiot. And if you actually said something like “well hon, it does look like you have about 6 pairs of jeans on right now” then no doubt you pretty much just turned your bed into a murder scene. [If you're feeling extra dumb today, say something like "hey baby, how about a quick service before your folks get here?" and see how long it takes for her to get some matches and set you on fire.]

But wait a minute. What in the hell is wrong with you chicks? I absolutely applaud you for wanting to look good and stay skinny. You should. One Kirstey Alley grazing the US is one too many. But a message to all you single digit sizes: unless you’re 4′2″, you’re probably doing okay, so relax.

I’ll let you gals in on a few secrets. Please memorize them, laminate them on a card, write them in lipstick on the mirror you’re punching right now, or put them on flashcards. Take a minute to decide.

Secret #1: Get ready for this. Here goes — guys do not like the 89 lb look. It’s creepy and feels illegal. No guy (that’s not on the Megan’s Law site) wants to feel like he’s with a 14 year old Kenyan boy. Skinny not scrawny.

Secret #2: We look at your face and think “son of a bitch she’s sexy.” You look at your own face wondering how you caught the Down Syndrome. You look at your own ass and see jiggle. Your guy looks at your ass and sees a “Vacancy” sign. No joke. Again, your view of things is distorted.

Secret #3: Here’s one that none of you mirror-starved nutjobs seem to get. If you’re in your 20’s or 30’s, and your reasonably thin, taking care of yourself, and somewhat active, then enjoy the fact that you look damn good and your husband/boyfriend honestly thinks you’re hot. So do the Mexican gardeners raking leaves at the bank, and as we’re all aware they’re likely the toughest graders on the planet. So enjoy the hell out of it, because you rarely hear dudes gabbing about how hot a 54 year old is. You’re in hottie prime, please enjoy it before it’s gone. That last sentence goes on the flashcard.

Secret #4: Rate yourself right now on a hottie scale of 1-10. Now add +2 to your number. That’s what your husband/boyfriend and most guys see you as. If you gave yourself a 6, you’re probably an 8. [Now, if you gave yourself a 2, then it does mean you're still only a 4 -- and let's be honest if you're a 4 then there's a good amount of work to do right now. There's no pause button on the calendar honey, you and I both know you should be knee deep in sweat and vomit on a treadmill right about now. You can finish reading this at the gym.]

Secret #5: Be more stripper-like. I don’t mean change your name to Jade and start smelling like strawberries. But, guys like strippers because strippers are confident in their bodies. She has some jiggle or other imperfections,  but the stripper knows she’s hot (or pretends to) and radiates that confidence. The stripper is not a size 0 and you don’t need to be either. Get your flashcard out at write the following: size zero bad, acting like a stripper good. No stripper has ever been hanging upside down on a pole and asked if her G-string makes her ass look big. [I actually just changed my mind on the strawberries. While you're messing around with $100 perfumes and expensive lotions, I guarantee you the retard on the other side of the bed is 100% aroused by the $3.99 "Strawberry Daiquiri" lotion in the clearance bin over at CVS. You should please your husband and wallet and go get it.]

So, hopefully I gave you some useful tools and advice to consider the next time you’re wrestling the mirror to the ground. You don’t look fat. Just enjoy how ridiculous you look because there will absolutely come a day when you wish you had the body you have now (see #3). I assure you, if you were a dude you would want to do you. 40,000 Mexican landscapers can’t be wrong.

Sure babe, I’d love a dude to rub my feet today

My wife sometimes gets an idea in her head. When this happens I generally get the hell out of the way, because follow through of the idea is going to happen. And it’s likely going to happen right now. [Quick sidebar: when I first rescued her 13 years ago from a crummy relationship like a prince riding in on a big white stallion, she had a license plate frame on her car that read "Out of my way...I gotta pee!" So none of her impulsive, random urges come as any surprise to me. And by none I mean zero. Also, I wasn't really on a white stallion with a flowing mane of hair, I was driving a crappy 2-door Sentra and may have still been pegging my pant legs. I'll probably chat about that more some other time.]

Case in point a few weeks ago on the impulsiveness. Our town suddenly gets littered with what feels like 17 new “Chinese Foot Massage” businesses in about a month’s time. Is anyone else seeing this goofy phenomenon? It happened so quick you’d think God came down with a virus and yacked up a bunch of these places all over the town. It’s weird. And the crazy thing is they’re all within walking distance of each other. I’m not kidding, these things are like 7-11’s, only without the turban and weird product mix of kites, Mountain Dew, and White Out.

So my little angel decides that the next day we’re going to get a Chinese Foot Massage (or CFM as us vets like to call it). She didn’t consult me so much as she told me. This was going to happen. She had this look in her eye that can only be described as being the same look she had the day she told me we were going to Target because “they have a tank top that I need to go look for right now.” Sure babe, no need for the kids to eat dinner again tonight. They pulled that hunger crap last night. Let’s get the hell down to Target immediately and find that $6 cotton tank in 9 different colors. Come on boys, Dad’s got Coke Zero and Goldfish for you…Mom says were heading to Target!

Anyway, we walk into CFM and I’m immediately convinced this place is just an Asian sweat shop. Only instead of making hoodies or those same piece of shit toys my boys get in they’re weekly Happy Meals, the sweat shop is giving massages. You walk in and there’s a greeting area about the size of a restroom stall. If another person had walked in at the same time my plan was to hop up on my wife’s shoulders because there was no other option really. While we’re standing there I’m scanning the workers at this point trying to remember if these are the same people who got busted a few years earlier for running a “Chinese Acupuncture” shop. Only when you go in there’s really no acupuncture, it’s a curtain with a 2-room whore house behind it. I look at the workers faces but don’t really know what the hell I’m looking for.

I don’t think we really talked to the greeter or pimp or shift leader or whatever she’s called. As I recall we held up two fingers and she said massage and we nodded. Since I’m a big fan of efficiency, looking back that was maybe the coolest part of the experience. I’m being totally serious. She knew what we wanted with a hand gesture and a head nod. If I could hold up 4 fingers to a Starbucks barista and she immediately knew that meant Grande nonfat vanilla latte, I would pay an extra buck for not having to speak. I’m not joking at all. I might even be willing to pay the normal $3.50 price to have them guess my order, if it means I don’t have to speak. Guess I’m trying a a no-foam, extra whip, caramel latte today, but that’s okay cause I didn’t have to say jack-shit.

[Real quick: speaking of not speaking to counter workers...what in the hell is up with airport store workers who when I buy my newspaper feel compelled to go "Uhh...hello sir...any water or gum for you today?" Are you G-D kidding me with that? If I wanted water or gum or mints or floss or a loaf of bread or condoms or anything else I would have GRABBED IT! Please, please just shut your mouth and give me my change. You are so lucky my eyes cannot shoot tiny daggers out of them or you would be on the ground bleeding from your ears right now. Quit asking me if I want other random things. And brush your teeth.]

We’re escorted to the rest of the room. Not another separate room…the rest of the giant room that this all takes place in. There are two open chairs awaiting us in the same room as about 8 other people getting massages. At this point my heart speeds up and I’m a tad freaked on the inside. WTF…we all get massaged together?

I sit down and the dude who escorted us to the chairs mumbles something that I’m pretty sure has the words “shoe” and “pig” in it only I’m scared because what the hell could he have possibly said that would have the words shoe and pig in it? At 37 not much scares me anymore, but CFM was making me piss blood at this point. I point to my shoes and he nods and sort of laughs. What the hell is so funny? I take my shoes and socks off and my wife has done the same. I’m not sure if her guy laughed or not when he said shoe.

The dude returns with a bucket of water and makes a hand motion which I take to mean lift up my legs. He sets the pale down under my legs — I lower my feet into it — he begins rubbing my shoulders. I am not exaggerating the speed at which this all went down. So to recap: I’m sitting upright in a big open room, with my feet in a bucket of water, while a mute China man rubs my shoulders.

It gets better. It’s hard to relax because I’m staring out at the street traffic and my chair is next to the walkway where all the new and finished customers pass by. What’s standard protocol when you’re getting your shoulders rubbed and your feet in a bucket of water while people walk by watching you. Do you smile and nod hello? What about the 11 people standing at the waiting area watching me get a massage. Do I acknowledge them? Maybe a thumbs up or a “I know, weird” look?

I finally get to lay down and the dude goes to work on the other parts of my body. I’m paying attention to the music for the first time and trying to figure out why it sounds familiar. I decide I’m pretty sure this is a CD called “Best of the Flute” that I’ve seen displayed in those music shelves with headphones at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Or maybe it was Michaels. Now I spend a good 3-4 minutes trying to remember if it was BB & B or Michaels. Meanwhile track #6 is without a doubt my favorite. The combination of high notes and finger agility that guy displays with the flute in that track is ridiculous. Total genius. He’s clearly the Kenny G of the flute community.

Another thing I’m trying to ignore the whole time is my wife’s uncontrollable giggling in the bed next to me. She can’t see my face at all yet there are frequent points where she’s borderline hysterical. Why? Because we’ve been together for 13 years….nobody knows me like she does….and I guarantee you she’s completely aware of what’s going through my head this entire time and that’s busting her up. She can’t stop laughing and I’m just trying to ignore it because it’s either going to piss me off or get me laughing, and I’m not in the mood for either. It’s just too important that I stay focussed on what’s happening to me and where I’m being touched.

It’s right around the time that my dude’s hands are waving goodbye to my thighs and heading further up the freeway towards Mr. Happy town that I notice there is some sort of weird synchronized massaging going on here, where if two or more people start at the same time then essentially you’re getting the same massage at the exact same time during the hour. This is most evident during the part where they punch you in the back rapidly 20 or 30 times and it makes this loud slapping noise through the entire room.

But let’s just fast-forward to my favorite part of all since I’ve left it out so far. About 2/3 of the way through the violation (roughly track 11 of the flute CD) my guy starts rubbing my feet. A casual, quick rub of the heel? No, no, no….this dude is going to town. He’s rubbing my feet all over — the top and bottom. He’s massaging my toes, and then he starts rubbing in between my toes with his fingers. Uhh…fuck-stick, you’re about 4 seconds away from being a bloody mess unless you cut that out right now.

He stopped….the massage finished….and we got up to leave. The massage part was real good, but I’m still confused as to what just happened, and shaken by the sketchy environment of the whole place. We get to the front and go to pay and it’s $25. Ummm…..$25 dollars?!? That’s like only 1/4 the cost of a non-creepy massage. It’s a steal! Suddenly my guy just seemed like a nice, older Chinese man trying to make an honest living. And that chair, that was a pretty damn comfortable chair. And I love that flute CD…so relaxing! Oh, and did I mention efficient? These guys are factory efficient!

All in all, the point here is my wife’s random — almost disturbing — impulsiveness can be real cool sometimes. Not sure if I’ll go back again but the price definitely suppressed my feeling of wanting to hide in my closet to make the pain go away.

Figuring out your celebrity crush…tournament style

With March Madness right around the corner, and fueled by requests to help a couple people figure out how they can determine who the hottest celebrity is (especially in a fun way that won’t piss of their partner rather than their usual slobbering over Google images 40 minutes a day), I’ve created a tournament style game you can play to determine who your celebrity crush is (or in some cases who you would happily cheat with on the dining room table while your husband ate his dinner). It’s your marriage, not mine…I’ll let you sort that out.

Anyway, click the link below to fill out the tournament for male celebrity crush. To be able to fill out the tournament you’ll need to click on the male or female link and your computer should prompt you to open the document (it will open in Excel). Filling out the tournament itself is super easy — for each two celebrities that are facing off against each other simply type in an “x” in the small box next to the celebrity you think is hotter. Do that for each pairing within each round until you get to the eventual winner at the end. If you need a refresher on what the celeb looks like, good sites to have handy include: IMDB and People.

Male Celebrity Tournament

The link below has the tournament full of chicks. Same sites for the refresher on the gals plus Maxim is also a good site to have up and handy.

Female Celebrity Tournament

If there is a celebrity you wish was on the list but isn’t, I don’t really care. And as for my own results, it went like this:

Quarterfinals: Rachel Bilson, Kristen Bell, Anna Kournikova, Isla Fisher, Jennifer Anniston, Amanda Bynes, Keira Knightley, Mila Kunis

Semifinals: Rachel Bilson, Isla Fisher, Amanda Bynes, Mila Kunis

Finals: Rachel Bilson, Amanda Bynes

Winner: Rachel Bilson

Have fun!

Know how I know you’re gay?

You’re a dude and you created a “top 10 hottest guys” list.

First a disclaimer: I’m not gay. Not even knocking on the door of gayness. I’m a straight, married male who likes women, and is convinced my wife is the hottest piece of ass I’ve seen in 13 years. Not joking. (And it’s cool to know if she’s the hottest thing around and wants to be with me, then I’m clearly some man-candy myself).

And knowing this makes me comfortable enough with my testosterone readings that I decided to cross some boundaries here for 15 minutes and create a list of top 10 hottest guys from a straight man’s perspective. To put me a little bit more at ease while I write this, I turned on some sports, opened a beer, and have Van Halen’s 1984 playing. And it’s up really loud. Since this is a brutal time for sports, all I could find were two guys playing catch on ESPN 2, but close enough. Oh, and I’m doing push-ups while I write this. Most of this was not a joke.

Anyway, the interesting thing in this exercise was trying to figure what the hell criteria I should use to judge the “hotness” of a guy. There were a few ways I could go. One way would be to come up with 10 guys that I have a man-crush on, but using that term would clearly be gay because that term is usually reserved for straight guys to use for athletes (and you only use it on just 1 or 2 dudes, not a whole litter of them). Second option was to look at it from the vantage point of, “okay, if I was an actor and had to do a homosexual scene in a movie, who would I pick to do the scene with?” And yes, I have no hesitation in saying for $20 mil I’d let some guy put his tongue in my mouth. What’s that…oh you think that’s gay? Okay. Well, later that day after the scene wraps, I’ll wave to you from my yacht while I’m making out with my wife and you’re talking to your “buddy” about some new Auto Zone rims for your truck. Dickhead.

Okay, I’m back. Now, before I go into the top 10 hottest guys (no, it doesn’t get any easier each time I write that), I first wanted to call out 3 clowns who get referred to as hot or sexy, but make me want to become a cutter every time I hear that. Here goes:

3 – Mario Lopez: Cannot stand this tool. Does he not look like he should be walking around with a penis sewn onto his mouth? If there was one attached would any of us even notice anymore after the first time? But man his 12-year-old-boy looking chest sure is hot. What a douche.

2- Anderson Cooper: What is the deal with the chick rage around this guy? My summary…not sexy, not hot, kind of funny, not adorable, not cute. He’s funny sometimes, but so is Carrot Top.

1- Any dude with a British accent: Why do chicks get all sloppy drunk acting when they get around some clown with a British accent? The guy can be the biggest fuckstick around, but he mentions his flat and the girl immediately falls down on the mattress tied to her back. Don’t get it. “Oh…but he sounds so cute and sophisticated!” Gag. [Alternatively, I never got what the big deal was about Pamela Anderson, so maybe I'm just off on an island on some of these folks. For 20 years it's been me going "Yeah, yeah....no I definitely saw....big cans...cool."]

So, for all you ladies reading this (or gays), thanks for hangin’ in there and let’s get on to the fun! I’ll count down from 10 to 1 to really build some suspense. You can quit pacing now.

10 – Hugh Grant: I’m off to a kick ass start here. First one on my list is a cheater with a British accent. Guess I’m the tool now. But, here me out on this one. He’s a pretty good looking chap, obviously a funny guy, and has a charm factor that I think we just cannot overlook here. You want to like the guy. He’s the sort of guy you would have a beer with, found out he took your wallet, and yet you don’t really care.

9 – Andre Ethier: Phew, a baseball player. I briefly feel like a dude again. Anyway, he’s a young, starting left-fielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers. I may be tainted a bit because he’s a Dodger, but he strikes me as a pretty good looking cat. He’s also just a really nice, down to earth guy who is frequently quoted as saying he can’t wait to get home to spend time with his wife. Ladies, isn’t that just the kind of home we’d like to wreck?!?

8 – Casey Affleck: Everyone likes an underdog and here’s mine. Ben’s little brother…Ben’s the big movie star while Casey gets shit for roles, and the list goes on and on. But he’s a pretty good looking guy. Good eyes, nice hair, and it’s guys like me and Casey who prove you don’t have to be 6 feet tall to be a hottie. Keep up the good work my brother!

7 – Paul Rudd: Chicks dig guys that are funny. Apparently, for purposes of this list, so do I. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything Paul has been in that he didn’t make better. The guy was even incredibly funny in his brief stint on Friends. Funny can be hot (except A-Coop), so what the hell — he’s on here at #7. And like me, Paul looks a little better with a couple of days of growth going on. Keep rockin’ it Paul you little tease!

6 – Tom Brady: I’ve redeemed myself a bit here with the inclusion of a football player, but look kids, here’s the bottom line: if you are dating Bridget Moynahan and you trade her in for Gisele Bundchen, then clearly you are one hot dude. And I heard from a friend that the guy is in great shape.

5 – Brad Pitt: Easy choice here. He’s clearly a good looking guy, plus nobody can really get on my case for this one…he’s on People magazine’s list every year. The thing that’s great about Brad is he can look really goofy for some of his roles, but we all know he’s only 1 haircut away from looking damn fine at any moment. Or so I’ve heard.

4 – David Beckham: Yeah, I get it…he’s hot. We all get it. Fine, I’ll cave and put him on the list. Have fun in Italy asshole, guess you couldn’t hack it in America afterall. Still waiting on a good Beckham baby-daddy story. I hope Posh Spice has lo-jack on Mr. Happy while he’s over there.

3 – Matthew Fox: Our little Matty has come a long way since Party of Five, hasn’t he? So, I bet there are a few ladies out there that would trade in their families for a chance to get stranded on the Lost island for a bit. Well, don’t count me in on that, but I can admit that Matt’s quite the looker. I think. I’m still confused on what I’m looking for. He seems to have good bone structure and a nice smile. He’s also good at playing a fake doctor, so that’s probably hot too I guess. What the hell do I know. I was going to list him at #5, but with the last name of Fox I had to bump him up a couple of spots.

2 – George Clooney: Again, not much of a reach with this pick, but shit, look at the guy. Even I can tell he’s really good looking. And I’m not saying it’s for sure, but there’s a real good chance I’d make out with him in a movie for only $10 mil.

1 – Paul Walker: Umm, hello Paul. Actually, here’s the deal — Paul’s number 1 on my list because I’m often told that I look like him…and really that’s flattering for both of us. It’s kind of this friendly competition we have. Some say I’m hotter, some say he is. Paul’s a good guy, we like each other and don’t really get too worked up over “who’s hotter him or me.” It’s just not worth it. Anyway, congrats Paul on being number 1 on my totally straight, non-gay, list of top 10 hottest guys in the world.

My 9 year old gets it

My boys were a little spoiled this Christmas. With many families watching their wallets a little tighter and scrutinizing price tags like a panhandler watches the left turn lane, my wife and I took a different approach and decided to do our part and help contribute to the economy. With 7% of people out of work I guess that means there are still 93% of us receiving a paycheck, so as part of that group we proceeded accordingly.

It started about 10 days before Christmas when we surprised them with a puppy (confusion still clouds my head on how that one went down, but I’ll discuss that some other day — I will say that aside from stepping in his own piss and crap from time to time, he is pretty damn cute). The puppy was a big hit, as was the new Wii, the Marshmallow Shooters (those kick ass) and all the other goodies this year from Mom and Dad, and the 217 relatives that live within walking distance of our front door.

But as it turns out I got the best gift in our family this year; it was from my 9 year old. About halfway through the present opening process on Christmas morning, he brings me a present and could not be more excited to watch me open it. I had no idea what it was and hadn’t noticed it under the tree, but just by feeling it could tell it wasn’t a Rudolph paper weight or drawing of a Christmas tree or some crap like that. I opened it up and found a set of wrenches inside. I immediately recognized them — I had seen them about 4 days earlier. He asked if I liked the present and I told him I loved it….they were great and I would absolutely use them. He was excited. I looked over and my wife who had been watching this then mouthed to me that she would tell me later the story behind the wrenches. So here’s the story of how this wrench set wound up in my lap on Christmas morning.

Four days before Christmas we had a large gathering with 30+ people from one branch of the family that gets together every year sometime ahead of Christmas Day. One of the rituals of this family get together is a “Yankee Swap” style gift exchange, where each person contributes a present, then in some predetermined order people either pick a present out of the available pile or steal one from somebody else that has already picked. I was early on in the order that night and the present I picked turned out to be said wrenches. My son was sitting there with me and asked if I liked them. “Absolutely, I could definitely use these” I told him. Of course, true to the game….shortly thereafter the wrenches were stolen from me and when I picked again I opened this piece of metal retardation:

My son and I were laughing at this and he asked if I liked it. I said the only thing I like about it is picturing throwing it off the freeway overpass and trying to hit a car down below with it. Well, that comment sent my son over the deep end. He was hysterical thinking that was the funniest freakin thing he had ever heard. He was laughing so hard I actually thought he might throw up at one point. You see, I’m not destructive or immature really, but I understand 9 year old humor. 9 year olds are at an age where “stupid” and “pee-pee” and “butt” and “moron” are often (hopefully) the funniest, riskiest words they can use, so it wasn’t much of a reach for me to guess that making a joke about tossing inanimate objects off a freeway overpass was going to absolutely kill him. Turns out I was right. My ability to work a room of 9 year olds should scare the hell out of clowns and companies who rent out jumper houses.

Anyway, after the game was over and I was trying to figure out which trash to throw that retarded clock in, my son made sure I wasn’t around and approached the relative who ended up winning the set of wrenches. He asked if it would be possible to buy the wrench set from the relative. He told him that he knew his Dad really liked those wrenches and he wanted to surprise me with them on Christmas morning. He went on to explain that he really wanted to get me one more present and that he would run up to his room to get money out of his bank to pay for them. And one thing he was clear on was “I don’t want my Mom or Dad to know I’m buying these from you — I want him to be surprised on Christmas.” At that point the relative insisted that money wasn’t necessary and he’d gladly give my son the wrench set.

As I understand it, there was not a dry eye for anyone who overheard the conversation. It probably doesn’t come across well 3rd hand, but the people who heard this exchange were incredibly touched that this young boy was willing to pay whatever it took to get this wrench set for his Dad, felt bad for me that I had lost them, and wanted the whole thing to be a surprise that he had done on his own. As a parent a moment like that makes my wife and I feel pretty good we’re doing some things right, and raising a caring and decent human being.

So, we spoiled the kids a bit this Christmas, but I’m okay with that….I still say I got the best present in the house. And I know that a long time from now — on the day I die — that wrench set will still be hanging in my garage, and every time I use them I will have thought about the effort that went into getting them under the tree for me.

Can’t just be me…

I’m really struggling with a few things lately. I felt the 5 below needed to be brought up by somone.

Check me out ladies!

I hate big trucks
I know this isn’t just me. We all must think the same thing when we see asshole flying through the parking lot of a shopping center in his big red truck that’s raised about 10 feet off the ground. My favorite is when I see the big truck park, the door pops open, and a little 5 foot 4 elf hops out (after he brushed his mustache first). Hey douche….quit overcompensating for your height and genital nub by doing laps in front of the dollar store and blasting Rush. Nobody cares.

The 30+ year old that forgot to stop at the ATM
If you’re old enough to get a discount on auto insurance then you are old enough to not be a parasite on the people around you by showing up to event after event without cash. The excuse that you forgot to stop at the ATM is as tired as those same dirty jeans you always have on. Wouldn’t it be kind of fun one day to be a mature, contributing member to society instead of a leech? Next time you “forget to stop at the ATM” I may forget to keep my foot from going into your ass.

The claim we should all quit contributing to the economy
We all get it. The economy is really, really struggling right now. It’s taken a big hit in a very compressed period of time. But here’s what’s really not helping; the blowhards in the 24 hour news cycle constantly telling us we all need to crawl into our homes, stockpile our last bit of cash, and wait to die. Hey asshole, here’s a thought: for the 93% of us that are still employed and nothing has changed much from last year, why don’t we all do our part to operate as normal and keep this market driven economy healthy instead of pushing ratings by talking about how the bottom of the bag is about to break. [On a related note this is why I hate these guys. After 86 straight days of price reductions in gas, this week saw an increase 2 days in a row. CNNs home page headline for this? "Uh-oh: Gas prices on the rise." I'm sure that headline is great for the economy and people's state of mind. Way to kill America CNN.]

The guy who insists on making his point by guessing what your questions will be and then answering those questions
Is it annoying to ask a question and then answer it? Yes.
Do I hate these people? Yes.
Do I want to put a revolver in my mouth every time I see some clown on TV do this? You bet.

Nancy Grace
If you close your eyes a minute and picture it, doesn’t Nancy Grace sound like she’s imitating James Van Der Beek imitating a southern person in Varsity Blues? How can you have a prime time news show based on one topic for 3 straight months? My favorite is when she asks the guest a question and then interrupts the guest halfway through the response yelling something like “OH, COME ON DOCTOR!!”

I had this amazing dream the other night that Nancy Grace was interviewing Vicky from The Biggest Loser as her in studio guest the night of the Presidential inauguration, and as his first official act President Obama ordered a bombing raid on that studio, killing them both on impact. The next day there were parades and medals, and people dancing in the streets. Disneyland lowered their ticket prices to free for the day. It was beautiful. Even the Iranians were celebrating because as it turned out they hated Nancy Grace even more then they hated George Bush. And just to be a bit clearer on how I feel about NG…
If Nancy and I were the last two people on Earth and there was no chance to ever find another woman anywhere, the only way I would touch that horse would be as I lowered her into the shallow grave I had just dug.

My first comment!

I had wondered when it would happen. After two posts? Maybe four? Would it be a friend or a stranger? For about 7 days I wondered. I could not wait. And then on day 7 I see it sitting in my inbox in all its glory and majesty — my very first comment to moderate! I could hardly sit still or keep focus. This was going to be the start of something special, that moment I looked back on years later and said “that’s when I became somebody to the internet.” I quickly grabbed a chilled beverage, found a comfy seat, and gave myself a quick little ‘hey buddy’ wink in the mirror. What a day. I can assure you I was ready to do a little dance, make a little love, and certainly get down that night. So I clicked away and this is what I found:

this is coming for a non pet owner u are self centered and it is not acceptable i dont not believe that u have a heart anywhere in that freezer of yours that u call a body. futhermore dogs are awsome to have, yes there are some down falls to walking around with your dogs. but its ppl like u that should be shut into your houses and not become accopied with anyperson or living thing!!!!

Remember the day you found out your parents still had sex and how nauseous you felt? And then remember how much sicker you felt when your Mom said, “well now you know what it was like when I found out about Grandma & Grandpa.” Oh dear God, that’s about the time you start trying to claw your own eyes out of your head hoping that will erase the visual you just had. Well, opening this email I received was kind of like that. I don’t know if there is an English word for sad, sick, violated, and confused all at the same time, but if not there should be. But, my discouragement was not what you might think. I could give a rip this bitch didn’t like my “dog people” post. She and her 5th grade education obviously missed the point (and I’m guessing from her response that understanding my post is not the first time she’s struggled with English). I love dogs — I think they kick ass — it’s the sometimes, inconsiderate a-hole owners I was describing in that write-up. Seems I struck a nerve.

My real issue was that an adult, who presumably has responsibility for adult things like taking care of a dog or wiping in the bathroom, had actually written this response. Even my 6 year old found it offensive. He asked me if it was written by Peter (background: Peter’s the really dumb kid in his class who eats crayons and constantly has spit on his face). Not wanting to torpedo my son’s trust in adults I simply responded, “Yeah pal he did write it. Can you believe that dumbass Peter knows how to use email?” We shared a quick chuckle. Anyway, I could end the disappointment here, but hey, let’s go through the email a bit…

this is coming for a non pet owner u are self centered and it is not acceptable i dont not believe that u have a heart anywhere in that freezer of yours that u call a body.

“this” should probably be capitalized since it’s the first word in the sentence. I learned that when I was 6 or 7 I think. Maybe 5. “coming for a” seems like it should probably read “coming from a.” This next part is probably my favorite — “u are self centered and it is not acceptable i dont not believe”. If I’m being honest, I don’t not believe she actually wrote that sentence. I dont not believe I’m writing about it. And finally, the icing on the cake of this 37 word run-on sentence…the use of “u” in place of “you” 3 different times in this sentence. On behalf of all non-pet owners everywhere, I think u should learn how to write a sentence correctly.

futhermore dogs are awsome to have, yes there are some down falls to walking around with your dogs.

I’ll ignore the butcher job on the first word — skip the highly academic “dogs are awsome” part — and focus on the end of the sentence. So, of all the things dogs (or their inconsiderate owners) do that are annoying, the one she mentions is ‘down falls of walking around’ with them? God I’m a loser. Seriously, how did I not have this in my original top 10 list? You can bet your ass it’ll be in there now! [7. Owners who walk around with your dogs....the dogs are awesome, but you suck for walking them around and giving them exercise!] I may need to update the list now to include that plus a couple of other really good “down falls” I just thought of: Owners who feed their dogs, and owners who dont not beat their dogs. If I wasn’t laughing so hard right now and trying to keep pee from running down my leg, I’d wonder why in the hell I just wasted an hour of my life on this.

but its ppl like u that should be shut into your houses and not become accopied with anyperson or living thing!!!!

“ppl like u?” I ht ppl who r 2 fckng lzy 2 wrt prprly. And after being told I should be shut in my houses it says “and not become accopied.” This one really killed me. I looked up “accopied” in the dictionary but it wasn’t there. I searched the internet, but nothing. I’m sure it’s a word though, right? This couldn’t possibly be “occupied?” And finally, the entire email comment ends by saying I should not become accopied with ‘anyperson’. You know….anywhere…anything….anyperson. Good grief.

There is a famous quote, “better to say nothing and have them think you a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I think even Peter, who’s usually wet and dirty (and probably a bit retarded), would be pretty disgusted with this first comment I received if he saw it.

Top 10 greatest films ever

I’ve occasionally thought about constructing a list of the top 10 greatest films ever. Sure there were a lot of naysayers out there. I heard things like “takes too much time” and “it’s not possible, how do you rank a drama against a comedy.” Plus there was my personal favorites, “really…you’re that bored” and “this list is going to contribute to society how?” But I battled through against the odds, took it one day at a time, and kept my eye on the prize (how’s that for 3 lame sports cliches in one sentence?) and finally decided to get it down in print. So, below you will find my take on the 10 greatest films of all time, in their correct order. It can be done….if one person reads this and enjoys it I did contribute to society….and I did it late at night with a few cocktails, so screw off it wasn’t boring.

1. The Godfather (1972)
It’s clearly the best ever. In fact, I think it’s #1 on IMDB’s user rankings. It’s brilliantly complex. Never before has one movie excelled at so many key ingredients of what makes a good movie. It even gives the impression that you’re actually watching about 4 movies at once. You gotta love the fact that 35 years later, this movie still provides 3-4 different character-to-real life references at any given time ( e.g. quoting Michael Corleone or imitiating his classic scenes, or even references like “he’s the Fredo of the group” or “don’t pull a Sonny and go balistic on me”). After 30 viewings I still yell at the TV “Sonny don’t do it, don’t get in the car!!”

2. Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Even though this is a top ten list, in my book there’s even a big gap between 1-2 and 3-10. Shawshank definitely gives Godfather a run, but for different reasons. Don’t know that I can think of another movie that inspires me to be a better person like this one does. In fact, this film even gave birth to one of my favorite quotes ever….”hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things,” — Andy Dufresne. So, how great is this movie? It’s on 17 freakin times a day, yet if I happen to pass by it I’m immediately sucked in. Could the VP of Programming at TBS be any more of a dick?

3. One Flew Over The Cukoos Nest (1975)
How big of a homo am I? Well, I’ve seen this movie at least 10 times in my life, yet my heart still starts to beat a little quicker as the movie approaches the scene where Chief talks for the first time. What a scene. And Nicholson is ridiculous in this.

4. The Godfather II (1974)
A sequel that’s not only worthy of watching, but it happens to crack the top 5 of all time. Off-the-charts acting, and a complex and intellectual story. The alternating of stories between current day and the story of the Godfather’s rise to power is classic. How lucky DeNiro was to get to cut his teeth on this film to eventually prepare for Analyze This.

5. Swingers (1996)
Trent: “Look at all the beautiful babies.”
Mike: “Beautiful babies don’t work midnight to six on a Wednesday — this is the skank shift.”

And that exchange is followed up moments later when Trent wraps up a pep talk to Mike by telling him “there’s nothing wrong with lettin’ them know you’re money and you want to party.” Not much more to add here.

6. Schindler’s List (1993)
Remember the opening 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, where you had to pause it to change your shorts? The difference between that film and this one is that Schindler’s List is like 3 straight hours of the same feeling as the opening 30 minutes of Private Ryan.

7. Rear Window (1954)
Relax. Sure, so this one requires some calibration to account for the fact that the movie is 50 years old, and the acting, writing, and cinematography feel a little bit like video I shoot at birthday parties. It’s still great. It views like a stage play with its limited sets and camera angles — something you don’t see much of anymore (sort of like Jimmy Stewart). Also, if you plan to tell me you read this, went and watched the film, and didn’t like it? I don’t give a crap. You just got to watch a 25 year old Grace Kelly for 90 minutes — I’m pretty sure you hung in there.

8. The Graduate (1967)
Hoffman scores pretty damn high in the unintentional comedy scale. He must have a dozen lines that are laugh out loud funny, but they probably were meant to be.

9. Meet The Parents (2000)
Fortunately, I’m not alone on this one. There are many, many people who think this is the greatest comedy ever. In a weird sort of way I think it actually took a couple of years for this movie to stir up a large fan base. It takes about 5 viewings of this movie to even be able to catch all of his jokes. Stiller’s at his best, and then there’s DeNiro, who’s shockingly funny. Arguably the star though, is Owen Wilson, who participates in probably the best exchange in the movie:

Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I’d have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter and I figured if you’re going to follow in somebody’s footsteps, why not the steps of our lord and savior?
Jack: [Before Greg has a chance to respond] Greg’s Jewish.
Kevin: Really? Well so was J.C…

10. Vita è bella, La ["Life Is Beautiful"] (1997)
As the only foreign film to make the list, this film is probably not going to make anyone’s top 10 who does not have a wife or kids, but if you do it’s hard to be affected by another movie in the same way. The film essentially has two halves to it; the first half relaxes you with its light-heartedness and Guido’s crazy antics, but then quickly violates you from behind in the 2nd half. And Guido’s quick mind and use of humor to protect his son from the morbid reality of their life is pretty agonizing to watch, but really inspiring. What a movie.

Just missed the cut….(in no particular order)
Cool Hand Luke
Pulp Fiction
American Graffiti
The Shining

The death of the Republican party?

I’m a Libertarian, who generally votes Republican, who in the 11th hour decided to change my Presidential vote to Barack Obama. I knew my last minute switch was not going to affect the race. I live in California, and Obama had long ago sewn up our state. He was going to win there anyway, so a switch was for peace of mind that I was voting for the right guy at the right time.

So I switched my vote, and my vote switch wasn’t just about this particular election — it was really more symbolic than that. The Republicans are increasingly losing non-ideologue voters like me that lean their direction, but voters like me are easily recaptured. The deeper, runaway problem in that party is they are imploding so badly right now they are heading nowhere fast, and pushing away mainstream Republicans at alarming rates. If this is not corrected the party will quickly be trimmed down to a party of white, older, right-wing Christians. If it gets to that point, uh-oh. Because if it gets to that point the G.O.P. will have such an identity crisis that it may have pushed people away that it can never get back.

Historically you can look back in time and see ideological shifts in America’s voting once every 12-16 years across Presidential and Congressional elections. Our most recent shift begin in 2002 when Bush lost the Republican majority in Congress that he had inherited. As Bush continued to flail the next 6 years (manging to get reelected because his opponent was even more of a douche bag than he was), the Democrats continued to gain seats in the Senate and the House. Forward now to 2008, and in a level of historical relevance my generation has never seen beyond in a book, we have elected a black President to lead our nation. That means in 2009 we will have a Democratic President, a Democratic House, and a Democratic Senate for the first time in 16 years. That’s big time significant. Yet, even more significant is that Obama is walking into a mess. He’s walking into a room where there’s a broken toy on the ground, a bunch of child-like eyes staring up at him, and a chance to be a hero if he’s got the right mix of glue, tape, and other tricks in his bag to make all right in the world again. There’s nowhere to go but up from this mess, and Obama and the Democrats stand to be highly rewarded in 2012 and beyond for any real or perceived improvements. And as irrelevant as the Republican party looks right now, imagine a world in 2012 or 2016 where Democrats controls 2/3 of congress and can pass any legislation they want any time of day. It very well could happen, and even a 2 year window like that would be unprecedented, and honestly, pretty scary.

Meanwhile, we’ll be left to wait and see over the next 4-8 years whether the Republican party can transform itself from an old, beat up pick-up on blocks on the front lawn (with identity and perception problems), into a fast, shiny car that people want to take a ride in. Specifically, it needs to become a party that is not extreme, a party that is inclusive and not dominated by white, old, staunchly religious males, and a party that gets back to the roots of those that made it great….Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower. If they can’t figure this out quick, then we may all witness a 2nd major moment of political history in a single decade — the introduction of a new, major political party.